A Rogue's Feelings
by KittKatt001
Summary: Rogue's feelings about various things... Mostly Remy... originally a one-shot... PG-13 for swearing
1. Someday

Love.  
  
Something I will never experience. At least, not the way normal people do.  
  
Normally I'm fine with that. But then *he* came along.  
  
Why couldn't he just leave me alone? Then everything would have been fine, as normal as it ever is in my life.  
  
But no. That would have been too easy.  
  
Damn him. Damn his stupid red on black eyes, and his charming grin and great accent... wait a second! What the fuck am I saying!?! I cannot love him. I will never love. Whoever said "It is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all" was wrong. Really fucking wrong.  
  
I have to stop swearing so much. But I can't help it.  
  
I fell in love, the one thing I promised would never happen again. All love has ever done is screwed up my life. I don't love anyone, and they don't love me. It was my motto, my code. The one thing in my life that was always there. And now it's gone. And I don't know what to do. My entire life is slowing falling apart.  
  
It started a while ago. As soon as I came to the Institute. I was different, even here. Even surrounded by other mutants, they were still afraid of me. The only one who isn't is... Remy. No! His name is Gambit! He is my *enemy*! God, how can I have feelings for someone like him? How can he have feelings for me?  
  
Damn! Why can't anything be simple? Why does my whole life have to be fucked up? Every time something starts to go right, something bigger and uglier comes along, and I'm back where I started. Hmmm...  
  
That's not a bad idea. Back where I started... maybe I... no. I can't do that. Even if they *are* afraid of me, they are still my family- or as close to one as I will ever have.  
  
I can just imagine what the others would say if they could hear my rants, my inner thoughts. Scott, the leader, would tell me it's ok, it happens to everyone, and just to give it time. Yeah right, Scottie-boy, 'cause everything just turns out perfect in your world. Well good for you. I don't care. Jean. Little Miss Perfect. Rogue, just cause you've had a hard life, doesn't mean you have to take it out on others. We accept you. Sure you do. That's why you flinch every time it looks like I might touch you. Kitty. She'd say... actually, I don't know. Every time I think I've figured her out, she surprises me. She's a lot stronger than people think. They just don't know her like I do. Kurt. He'd laugh, and try to make a joke out of it, try to make me feel better. That I can appreciate. Evan. I think I'd put him in the same category as Kurt. Those two jokers- don't ever put them in the same room. Trust me.  
  
I've tried to accept who I am.  
  
But the more I think about it, the more confused I am. Why am I cursed with such a power? I wouldn't mind being a different colour, like Kurt, or not be able to see in colour, like Scott, as long as I could touch.  
  
The professor has tried to help me, but I think this is something even he can't fix. Something I have to do myself. But I don't know how.  
  
Oh God, I'm thinking of him again. Why me? Why him? Could it not be any other person in the world other than him?  
  
That thing with Scott, it was always just an infatuation. I knew nothing would ever come of it, and I decided that was ok, because then the both of us were safe- him from me, and me from my guilt.  
  
But with Remy- Gambit, damn it, his name is Gambit! He messes with my head. He changes everything I've ever known, everything I will know.  
  
How can he love me? He knows I can't touch. He's messing with me, he has to be. No guy would ever REALLY fall in love with me. Me, the little angry Goth girl. Some days thought, I'm more lonely than sad, and I have a feeling Remy could fix that.  
  
I don't know what to think anymore. My mind and heart are separated. They can't agree on anything. Maybe I just need to give it time.  
  
Someday I'll know how I feel.  
  
Someday I might even touch.  
  
Someday.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Well, that was different from what I normally write. Hm, kinda angsty. Maybe I should be sick more often. nah. Staying at home is BORING! Nothing to do but watch soaps- or write ^_^ Anyways, sorry for the swearing, I don't know why I put that in, I just did. Hope you like it. Please check out a fic I co-authored with CasaKitten (It's in her account). I don't think it's posted yet, but it should be soon. It's a Kurtty- what else?  
  
Thanks a ton!  
  
KittKatt 


	2. As Normal As It Ever Gets

Oh my God. He's stalking me. I swear he is. I see him at school, at the mall- on the rare occasions I go- on my way home from school... Stupid Cajun. Doesn't he get it? I'm the Untouchable Rogue. Untouchable! Nothing he can do will change that; nothing anybody can do will change that.

I just want to be left alone. Is that such a hard thing to do? Everyone else excels at it.

I don't want to be surrounded by lovey-dovey couples anymore. Jean and Scott are just too damn perfect together. Kurt and Kitty are head over heels for each other, and just don't get it. And don't even get me started on the new recruits. I just can't stand it anymore. I disappear a lot now. Logan's worried, I can tell, but I think the Professor told him not to talk about it.

Mostly I go down to the lake. Sit under a tree, read, write, listen to music, whatever. No one has found me there- not even the Cajun. It's my sanctuary, the one place I can be by myself and not worry about anything, not worry about anyone.

I've been writing a lot of songs lately. Some of them I like, some of them I want to give to Pyro to burn. Damn Acolytes- they're invading my thoughts again! Amara would work too, but she would probably read them first, and that would not be a good thing.

I'm headed there right now. When I got home from school today, Ororo greeted me at the door and told me someone had dropped off a gift for me. It turned out to be a dozen white roses. I know they're from Remy. I smiled at her, pretended I liked them, then took them and left the house. When I get to the lake, I will float them out across it, and they will scatter. Hopefully none of them will end up back on the beach. It's sweet, but totally inappropriate.

Stupid Remy. I don't even try to call him Gambit anymore, I just can't. It would be like me calling Kurt Nightcrawler all the time, or calling Kitty Shadowcat. It's too impersonal. Why I'm worrying about this when it comes to one of my enemies, I have no idea. I just am, and I can't stop it.

I heard Jean talking the other day, to Scott- who else? She said she thought I might be going out with someone, seeing as I'm gone from the mansion so much. For a telepath, she sure can be dense sometimes. There are other words I could use to describe her, but I don't think I should.

I just looked down at the pad of paper I have on my lap, and there are a ton of words written on it. Was I writing just now? Reading the words, I know I was.

Never knew love could hit so fast  
Never thought I'd know in a flash  
You're the one

What the hell? I wrote that? That sounds more like something out of a romance novel. I have to get my head on straight, stop thinking about him. I rip the piece of paper off the pad, and crumple it up into a ball. I toss it in the lake and watch as it slowly drifts away, opening, the water washing away the ink. I can still see the roses floating away. It could almost be called romantic- but not quite. I turn to head back to the mansion- I can't relax, so what's the point of being here? - when I see a single white rose lying at the base of my tree. My heart sinks. He found me here?

Stupid Remy. I don't care if he's completely infatuated, if he would do anything I said, if he would follow me to the ends of the earth- it doesn't matter. It won't change anything. I just want my life to go back to the way it was. Back to normal.

As normal as it ever gets.

This chapter has been revised. I like it better than the original version of this chapter, and I think it sounds a lot better. I apologize for having left this for so long but I hope you can forgive me, and I will try to get another chapter up soon, as well as the sequel I wanted to do for Remy- well, not really a sequel but a story in conjunction with this one.

Kitt Katt


End file.
